So I just posted a link to one of my favorite websites ever, textsfromlastnight.com, which you should totally check out at your earliest convenience.  The site consists of reader-submitted text messages from… last night, you guessed it!  At least in theory anyway; I mean it’s pretty clear that a smattering of them are made up, but the real ones are the funniest shit ever.

However… I just can’t believe the way straight men talk about women.  I suppose there is, to some degree, some of that same attitude in gay culture; where tops are men, bottoms are women, and how unfair and wrong and bullshitty is THAT?!  The descriptions of anatomy and sexual prowess (and complete lack thereof) are pretty graphic, and, while I understand that the law of averages dictates that there will of course be more straight submissions than gay ones, it seems to me that most of the culprits of this fraternity-esque crap are straight.  If you want to talk in those demeaning, objectifying terms, it’s one thing if it’s like, something fun you do with your partner, some people are into that.  But when exactly do men leave the locker room mentality behind and start treating their romantic interests with a little respect?  Dumping people for not performing oral sex on the first date?  Being proud of cheating on girls with their sisters?  Mothers?  Actually *counting* the amount of virginities you take?

That’s one I especially don’t agree with.  Sex is not a game.  Unless it is.  But when it’s not… like when it’s your first time for instance… I dunno, I would be disappointed if I thought that my first went home and cracked a beer and bragged to his buddies.

And the lengths to which straight men will go to get laid!  It’s insane!  I have never bought a guy more than one drink unless I was already dating him.  I like to take care of my men.  *I* am a gentleman.  Women are so lucky; they get drinks bought for them all the time.  What is it about gay men that says “I’ll screw you, no worries,” and straight women that says “I’ll screw you, but I’m gonna need like four lemon drops.”  And the straight guys do it!  Sometimes they even buy drinks for the girl’s gay friend, too, in order to impress her with his open-mindedness.  I love it when that happens.

Though not because of the social implications; I just like to drink for free.

It doesn’t stop at buying drinks, though, oh no.  Driving crazy distances, going to lame bars with bad music, and worse “no tennis shoes or jeans” dress codes, putting up with the fat friend to get to the one you want (I call that “wading through the manure to get to the horse,” but that really works better in reference to men, if you catch my drift), finding “friends” of yours to keep the fat friend busy while you go in for the kill.  Every night is like an opening number at the Oscars with that kind of choreography.  Frankly, I don’t believe in putting that kind of effort into going out.  You’re lucky if I’m wearing a clean shirt.

So when it comes right down to it, here’s what I think of straight men: you work harder, get less for your work, and then get into a relationship with someone who is just as far from being the person you thought she was as you are from being the person she thought you were.

At least gay men are pigs right up front if they’re gonna be pigs.  Pigs aren’t the worst; at least they’re honest about the fact that they sleep around and treat their partners like shit.  Well for the most part they’re up front.  Occasionally you meet a lying, cheating, bastard of a queer.

But I bet he learned it from some straight douchebag in college.

tomorrow night i’m going to a martini bar frequented, most frequently, by divorcees and the men who like to charge them for sex.

my best friend Kelly has chosen to have her birthday party there.

so i’m spending tomorrow with my married best friend, her husband,

all her straight girlfriends,

all his straight guy friends,

and a bunch of horny forty-year-olds and college boys who can’t make rent.