I went to Target today in an attempt to buy a Snuggie.

First off, I want it to be known that I didn’t buy it for me.  I would never, EVER wear a Snuggie.  I’d sooner put on my big floppy Cacharel sweater I got at the Goodwill for eight dollars.  I bought it for my Grandfather, who is ill and gets hot and cold and hot and cold so my dad thought this would be a good idea for him.  I agree.  Young, trendy people should always wear second-hand floppy sweaters in favor of Snuggies.

But I digress.

So I walked into the Target, and headed straight to an associate to ask where the Snuggies were.  Well, after checking out that sexy guy in the v-neck and scarf who was in the CD section.  Hey, there. :)  She gave me some directions (bedding department) which I followed.  No Snuggies.  So I went to the customer service desk, where I was given another set of directions (“C” section.  The sections at Target are lettered.) which I followed.  No Snuggies.  So I asked an associate in another part of the store, and was given a THIRD set of directions (different part of the “C” section), which I followed.  I know, you know, everyone knows: NO FUCKING SNUGGIES.  I went back to the “customer service” desk (ha! Customer service, my Aunt Fanny!) and got a fourth set of directions (specifically, C-11) which failed parlously.  The worst part of all of it is no one knew what I meant immediately when I said “Snuggie,” so I had to stick my arms out in front of me and say, “you know, the blanket with holes in it, for your arms?” every time.

At this point I had had about enough so I went to speak to the manager.

“Hello,” I said.  I glanced at my cell phone to check the time. “I have been in your store for a little over thirty minutes.  I have been trying to locate a Snuggie.  I’ve been given four sets of directions from four different people, none of which have led me to the Snuggies.  It should not take a customer thirty minutes to find a single item, especially if they have asked for help.”

So the manager looks in her scanning gun, which I assume tells the future in addition to where not to find things at Target, and tells me they are in the C section.

Yeah.

So I looked at her, put both hands on the desk, leaned forward and said “Listen, lady.  I’ve been to the “C” section.  I’ve been ALL OVER the “C” section.  I have been stuck in your store so long, I could have HAD a c-section.  Now is there or is there not a definite place where these products are kept?!”

So of course the entire line busted up laughing, totally ruining my dramatic “I’m an angry customer” mojo… so I had to turn nice while she walked me over to a fifth and heretofore undisclosed location where, indeed, the Snuggies were.

So I bought the fucking thing.

The end.